34th Milo National Marathon: Slow down, Reylynne

What went wrong? I kept asking myself this question for more than an hour when I was walking to the 34th National Milo Marathon finish line.

I heard a snap in my left hip between Km22 and 23 followed by an excruciating pain down to my left knee. In my previous posts I mentioned the same problem when I joined the Condura Marathon and the Nature Valley Run. I've made an illusion that it abandoned me already but it seems to enjoy being a consistent running buddy. I could hardly move my knee halfway to the finish but I still tried to run. I ignored it and kept running until it became unbearable at Km 32. I felt like it was breaking into pieces. An ambulance passed by and I thought of getting in it but my pride was saying I should finish no matter what and I did.

It was the first time that I cried because of throbbing pain in a race and I rarely cry because of physical pain. I have high tolerance for it so when I begin to cry that means it really is piercing. At that point, I needed nothing but a hug. I looked for anyone I know who was not running but did not find any so I just hugged myself J

I spent the entire walk trying to figure out what went wrong and reflecting on what happened.

1. Did I start out too fast?

No. Unlike in the TBR Dream Marathon, my start was easy. I stuck to my plan of maintaining a comfortable race pace. I promised myself I wouldn’t sprint and wouldn’t be intimidated by other runners going ahead of me. I ran with Kuya Lito Lopez, one of my TBR DM Kuyas from the start line until Km 15. It was an easy and comfortable run. When he decided to run faster to try to meet their qualifying time, I did not dare run his pace. It was all going well. When I reached Km22, it was 1:45. That was a PR for my 21K but I was still confident I wasn’t going off too fast because I did not feel any discomfort. I also did not do any extra push so I kept that pace until I heard that killer snap.

2. Did anything happen lately that worsened my scoliosis?

I could not think of any but maybe. I’ve been suffering from scoliosis since high school. My left leg is longer than the other so it takes the greater impact when I run. Being aware of this, I try as much as possible to be kinder to my left knee. I also tried to slow down on down hills to minimize the impact. I was so conscious about this while I was doing the race. So when we were going up and down on flyovers along Roxas Boulevard I’d slow down.

My week was stressful in terms of work and this was the only thing I could suspect to be causing the stress on my back but I had more stressful days before the TBR Dream Marathon and it did not weign on me at all. So this attribution might not be appropriate. I also continued swimming, which they say is good for scoliosis. But although nothing has worsened it, it also did not get any better.

3. Did I make any wrong step in the course?

Maybe. I think that at one point when I tried to avoid a motorcycle when we were about to enter Macapagal Bldv from Roxas Blvd, I made a slightly wrong step and felt something on my knees. But I really don’t think it was that bad and if it were the cause, I would have felt the effect immediately but I did not.

4. Did I not train enough?

I really don’t know but as far as the training program that Coach Jim gave us, I just trained well enough. I did my weekly runs and the required long runs at specific weeks before the race. I tried so hard to squeeze those in my schedule. I also maintained a healthy diet.

5. Did I overtrain?

I don’t think so. I behaved very well the past week that even if I wanted so much to run I did not. I had to tell myself it’s taper time and avoided places where I’d see runners so I wouldn’t be tempted to run. I also did not go beyond the required mileage, etc.

6. Was it because it was too close from my recent May marathon?

Maybe. Among all the reasons I could possibly consider, this I think makes the most sense. I overestimated myself. I thought that I could do a back–to-back marathon given my scoliosis. I thought that training well enough would do the trick but it obviously did not. Maybe for others this is not a big deal but for someone with special condition like me, this is not so.

Aside from analyzing the cause of the injury, I also spent time reflecting and praying. One word was recurring- humility.

They say that if you want to get to know yourself better, you should run a marathon. Yesterday’s race revealed a lot of things about who I am now. Sadly, they’re not delightful. I discovered that I am not only engrossed with running but in winning, worse, I’ve become more captivated by winning than running itself . While I believe that it’s good to be driven to win, I found out that I have crossed the border to insanity and arrogance. I wanted so much to reach my target and break my own record I did not leave any room for failure and possibilities beyond my control. It hurt me more than anything else. Arrogance consumed me and maybe the injury was God’s way of humbling me. It was his way of screaming to my ear to slow down and be kinder to my body.

To be honest, it was not just the pain on my knees that caused me suffering but my wounded ego. It was so hard for me to see myself walking towards the finish line. The thought of it was dreadful, being in it was for me humiliating. I was oozing with arrogance that even if my body was telling me to slow down, I still attempted to run. I refused to recognize the distinction between the pain that I could and should outrun and that one that I should entertain. I spent every ounce of will I had to ignore it but it was building up and persistent I couldn’t simply brush it aside.

I mentioned in my recent post that it’s a challenge for runners to be humble enough and accept that at some point we should stop to avoid a disaster. This was the challenge I came to face to face with yesterday. Walking is not a crime. Sometimes, it’s the wisest and noblest thing to do than to push it too hard.

I had to embrace the sad truth that I probably did all these too much, too soon; that I should have given more time for my next marathon after the TBR Dream Marathon. When I thought I was strong enough to run another full this soon with my scoliosis not getting any better, I was wrong. I should have listened to my body when it was telling me to reconsider Milo during my training.

There are things that mind cannot overcome and overrule. I should go back to the reason why I got into running and fell in love with it. It was how it contributed to my journey and struggle to becoming a better person each day. It’s so sad that I messed that up and became someone I hate now. I regret those times when I was so preoccupied with a PR I missed enjoying the run itself. I failed to see the fact that the glass is half full than empty; that I was able to cross the finish line yesterday before the cut off alive.

The worst thing was I almost did not notice my TBR classmates cheering me along the way and my whole family waiting at the finish line because I was so caught up with the sight of the finish banner. When they called and cheered me up, I gained an extra ordinary strength I tried to run strongly dedicated to them. They actually ran with me towards the finish and when we crossed it together, I felt so secured that even I failed and hated myself to the grave, I was assured of their love and support. I apologized for making them wait for so long since I told them I’d see them early. But they did not mind. My mom almost cried when she saw the pain on my face and could hardly walk. My daddy kept on asking if I really had to do it. My brother and his wife decided they will start running too. My nephew and niece, Vince and Shan embraced me and were giggling when they saw me. This to me was priceless. It was better than anything else in the world. It reminded me of what matters most in life, the things I truly value and who I really am.

Now I have set new targets – recover from injury, heal my soul and rediscover the reason for my passion for running and how it should affect who I am. There is ONLY one way to get there- SLOW DOWN.